So since I decided to write a blog, I've been trying to think hard about what to write about. I figure this is sort of like a meetup group. I'm in a room with a bunch of strangers and I'm trying to get to know everyone with as many funny stories as I can think of. But everyone wants to talk about politics and smart shit that has nothing to do with having a good time. While I do enjoy an intelligent conversation, I try to have those when I'm not fucking drinking in a bar and I can't hear the other person let alone think up a proper argument. From now on, imagine we're in a bar when I'm telling you this shit. Why? Because you should read my stories with a glass of whiskey or wine or beer, it makes them more memorable. Don't drink tequila. I'll tell you which stories require tequila-be it in shots or mixed drink. Alright, did you get your choice of drink? Good. For this blog I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Jaysus.
Jaysus isn't his name. Jaysus-pronounced GEEZUS-is what I say every time I think of my interactions with him. Thus, to secure his stupidity....I mean identity. Whatever, he's a dick. I should've named him that, but I don't want people getting the wrong idea. Let's see, where do I start with Jaysus? I should provide facts first, right? Right!
Fact: He has 3 kids. 1 boy, 1 girl, and a third to be determined.
Fact: He is 30 years old and his birthday is in November.
Fact: He is my older brother.
Okay, so those are facts. Here is everything else I've learned while dealing with my brother. As any other sibling, I've fought with Jaysus plenty of times. Fist fights between siblings are common, at least for me. I called his ex-girlfriend a bitch once for leaving him while he was in jail for something he didn't even do. And he countered with a right hook. Another time, I asked him if he had guy friends because he was always around girls. He proceeded to fight with me because I had called him gay. No, you didn't read that wrong. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey, you're always hanging out with girls and going out with them. Don't you have an guy friends?
Jaysus: *Jimmies Rustled* Fuck you!
Jaysus: *In my face now* I know what you're trying to fucking say!
What proceeded after that was him making threats with raised fists. As the younger sibling, I'll admit I was a bit afraid. But I'm not one to back down; that ain't how my daddy raised me. So, a fight ensued. Point of the story is Jaysus is a brute with anger problems, who might be gay himself but hasn't come to terms with it yet. That being said, I distanced myself from him because he's just too much to deal with. But of course, family is family. So, when we all come to Ma's house, we all get together and "talk." Over the weekend, my brother came over with his new girlfriend. He calls her his wife. She's nineteen and pregnant with my brother's child. On top of all of this, his super brute ego wouldn't be complete with out his bulky muscles and super neato abs. Think of any douche and that is Jaysus, except he skips leg days. So, douche up top, bones down below. (He says he doesn't want to work them out because he wants to keep his agility. Don't fucking ask me. I'm just telling you what he said.)
My brother, doesn't eat anything with out meat. I say this because there was no meat the day he decided to visit. Instead, he wanted to eat out and spend money he didn't have. He wanted pizza. My eldest sister wanted to go with and of course I wanted to go too. My nephew also wanted to go. We were off to get pizza; my sister, Jaysus, my nephew, and myself. Everything was going fine. My sister and Jaysus were bonding over the fact that they didn't like Black People. Because Black People were bad and ignorant and just didn't care about anything.
To which I interrupted to advise them that maybe it wasn't Black People they didn't like. Maybe it was the uneducated, impoverished citizens that don't know any better. I provided examples of educated, well-spoken Black People that plenty people-even themselves-admired. I told them, they shouldn't label past negative experiences as Black People, that's what's causing so much racism now. This was received with jokes and ignorance. They told me to stop sounding so robotic. So, I closed my mouth and allowed them to proceed in their racist hate. It gets better.
When we finally got to Naples Pizza the real discussion began. Before I continue, I have to say I've never known why I can not have a political discussion. I never knew why I couldn't discuss my opinions openly and listen to other's point of view. That day, I realized why. It began with a story about my cousin's son. Jaysus, didn't know the kid was gay. He found out when he bumped into the kid by accident at a restaurant. Jaysus was disgusted to the point of not wanting to be touched by my cousin's son. I'm not sure I understood what was being said at that moment so I didn't respond. My sister proceeded to tell us of the day my cousin confided in her to tell my sister the kid was gay.
My cousin (a lesbian herself): Do you think I did something wrong?
My sister(then): No
My brother and sister(Now): Yes
We waited in silence and looked at each other. I couldn't understand what I was hearing. My brother, who has a new found love for Jesus, decided to quote the Bible. His argument was that God created Man for Woman. Thus, same sex couples are just wrong. Second, was that people can choose to be gay. If you tell your child from a young age to hang out with the same sex, they'll grow up thinking they like the same sex. What?! Fucking, what?! Jaysus went on to say that he looked this up online. He did his research. He read online articles on it. It is all part of neuro-psychology (His words). Third, and this was truly the best, Jaysus believed that even gay people knew it was bad and that's why they hid for so long.
I tried to tell them that the reason they hid was out of fear of being hurt and outcast. Not because they thought they were living a bad life but because everyone around them did. It's like they (my siblings) didn't know what horrors gay people had to endure. My sister refuted my statement by saying that if they wanted to be normal why were they trying to have a relationship like a man and a woman? I don't even know what that fucking means. I tried again by saying, they're not trying to be like a man and a woman. To which they both screamed, yes they do! "Why do they want to be married then?" Gee, I don't know maybe because you marry the person you fucking love! It went on for a few moments, it was impossible to get through to them. They believed they won the argument with God.
Jaysus last words: Some people don't believe in religion because they think it is based on fact. But it it's not. It's based on Faith and Faith can't be proven wrong.
How the fuck do you argue with that? You don't. You keep a small place in your heart for people this idiotic, especially when they're family. You hope one day they will see the truth. But for the most part if you can't educate them, you keep them away from your children so they don't influence them. Unfortunately, he has 3 kids. So, your children might encounter my brother's children one day...and that is a scary thought. If you're thinking this is sad, I fucking told you to get some liquor. You thought I was fucking kidding.
Going to college I realized there were still a lot of ignorant people who thought like this. But I never imagined I'd be related to them! This shit is so depressing. I didn't have any respect for him to begin with. What's less than no respect? Probably, how he feels about gay people. Shit, man.
Everyone's family is fucked up, on the bright side he is only 1 of six. I'll tell you more about the others later.